I Was Rejected From My ‘Dream’ Job, and I’m Surprisingly Okay With It — Here’s How

I Was Rejected From My ‘Dream’ Job, and I’m Surprisingly Okay With It — Here’s How How to build resilience, so that setbacks don’t set you ...

I Was Rejected From My ‘Dream’ Job, and I’m Surprisingly Okay With It — Here’s How

How to build resilience, so that setbacks don’t set you back

Photo by Alex Shute on Unsplash

Rejection sucks.

We’ve all been there. Whether it’s a job, relationship, school, or even just plans with friends.

It hurts.

But why does it hurt so much?

More importantly — how can you ease that pain (ideally relatively quickly)?

I recently got rejected from a job that I was convinced was the perfect fit for me. I was going to get paid well, work with people, write, and have flexible hours. I was sold.

Unfortunately, they weren’t sold on me. I was actually rejected twice.

Last year, I was screened for the role by a recruiter who gave me feedback and invited me to apply again after additional experience.

At the time, I was doing a lot of self-reflection & career exploration, so it fit in well with my headspace and even helped guide some career decisions.

I put it in the back of my mind, until a year later when I reconnected with the recruiter and restarted the process.

I made it to the final interview, having excelled in the case study. I could see the next stage of my life perfectly clear in my head.

Then, I got the call.

We appreciate your time and interest, but unfortunately, we don’t think it’s the right fit at this time.

Heartbroken.

Or so I thought.

Yes, it hurt. Yes, I let myself feel the pain and emotion.

But then — I was shockingly okay — which, historically, is abnormal for me. My family called to check in and were confused by my calm.

No infinite self deprecation. No questioning all my choices in life. No anger (okay, maybe just a little anger!).

I wasn’t happy, of course — but I was okay.

So what changed? How was I able to move forward without letting failure, setback, rejection tear me down?

I slowly, even unknowingly, built up my resilience by distinguishing between — and managing — the real pain and the self-inflicted pain.

The real pain: Your brain on rejection

The pain of rejection is very real — according to Psychology Today, “fMRI studies show that the same areas of the brain become activated when we experience rejection as when we experience physical pain”.

In other words, you can’t avoid the pain. It’s like trying to avoid the pain of getting punched in the arm.

It’s a survival mechanism — your brain is telling you that you’ve been hurt, and you need to recover. You need to care for the injury and heal.

Feel (and soothe) the burn

You need to process the pain — without getting sucked into the thoughts that come along with it (see: the self-inflicted pain).

You can do this by finding self-soothing habits that work for you, so that you can rely on them in moments of intense emotional pain.

It could be listening to music, taking a walk, or doing something creative.

For me, it’s a hot shower. When I got my news, I immediately went to let the water wash away the pain & negativity.

I felt the physical & emotional sensations without ascribing too much meaning or significance to them (thanks to a healthy meditation practice).

I reframed the pain — it wasn’t a sucker punch. It was an intense workout.

I hadn’t been knocked down by someone trying to hurt me. I had challenged myself to the point where my muscles felt sore.

I was pushing myself and getting stronger.

The self-inflicted pain: Thoughts gone wild

Our emotions only last 90-seconds. After that, any continued distress is from retriggering the emotion through our own thoughts.

Now, I won’t pretend that managing our thoughts is easy, but I am proof that, over time, our thinking habits can be changed.

Throughout my childhood, I had an intense negativity bias that contributed to ongoing depression & anxiety. I was in constant survival mode — always seeking out control, expecting the worst, and overanalyzing situations.

However, through mindfulness, therapy, & coaching, I’ve learned how to recognize cognitive distortions — or thinking traps — and stop them.

By preparing for and recognizing the common distorted thoughts that rejection evokes, you can be ready to tame them, not stoke them.

Distorted Thought #1: It ‘should’ have been different

• The thoughts: How did this happen? I should have prepared more or done something different. I could have changed the outcome. This isn’t fair.
• The feelings: Angry, frustrated, guilty, bitter
• The distortions: You have complete control over the situation. Just because you want something to be true should make it true.
• The reframe: I did everything in my control — or, if I didn’t, I see what I can do differently in the future. Not everything will work out how I want it to — all I can do is put my best foot forward, learn from the experience, and keep trying new things. I accept the outcome & move on.

Distorted Thought #2: You are not worthy

• The thoughts: Who was I kidding? Of course I’m not good enough. I am such a failure. I should just give up all together.
• The feelings: Sad, embarrassed, helpless, insecure
• The distortions: This one event is reflective of who you are and your overall capabilities. You can’t change in the future.
• The reframe: I have a lot of talents & strengths, but they were not a right fit for this opportunity. I know what I can work on, and I know that I have the power & agency to change. I accept the outcome & move on.

Distorted Thought #4: This was the only option

• The thoughts: What am I going to do now? This was the plan — there is no other option. My dreams have been destroyed.
• The feelings: Disappointed, disillusioned, apathetic, grief
• The distortions: There is only one satisfying future for you. There is no other way to achieve your goals. This was a perfect opportunity.
• The reframe: Life is a long journey with endless possibilities. I know who I am and what I value, and there are many ways to fulfill my wants & needs. No opportunity is perfect. It will take time, but there are many other paths to explore. I accept the outcome & move on.

Rejection threatens our sense of belonging, which, evolutionarily speaking, can be dangerous. Fast reactions and adaptation used to be vital to survive.

However, while failure is still a great opportunity to adapt and improve, we no longer need to act so quickly.

Rejection temporarily lowers IQ, so it’s unlikely to be your best thinking. Try to not start analyzing the situation right away.

Instead, manage the real pain first, through self-soothing, then — once calm — find space for intentional self-reflection that is both rational & kind.

Most importantly — stop forcing yourself to relive the pain. Accept the outcome, so that you can move forward.

So What?

Nowadays, we face rejection all the time, and — luckily — it’s not usually life threatening. Therefore, we don’t need quick, heightened reactions.

I (thankfully) didn’t need the job to which I was applying. The rejection had no major consequences — just a bruised ego and a need to recalibrate.

At first it felt earth-shattering. However, with some perspective, it became clear that is was just some wind. I could keep fighting against it, or turn around and let it propel me towards somewhere new.

Next time you’re faced with rejection or failure, take time to process the real pain and actively manage the potential self-inflicted pain:

• Feel the hurt. Feel the anger, the sadness, the disappointment
• Notice the moment when they dissipate. Acknowledge your safety
• Recognize that you can choose to reactivate them again — or not
• Change your thinking patterns.

Regular mindfulness (e.g., meditation, yoga, etc.) and self-reflection will make it easier to action upon these steps in the heat of the moment.

And remember — rejection wants to make you feel alone, but you’re not. When in doubt, reach out to your cheerleaders to get you back in the game.

For more inspiration on how to build clarity, confidence, and connection, follow Alex Stanton on Medium.

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I Was Rejected From My ‘Dream’ Job, and I’m Surprisingly Okay With It — Here’s How was originally published in Better Humans on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.